What are you afraid of?

I posted two new videos today.

The first is short and different (and different for more reasons than being short!). It's of the "shadow" pictures I've been writing of taking lately. I swear, when I'm feeling rattled, I've been opening this file of "shadows" and doing a slide show. There's something so quieting about them. So that's basically what this is: a slide show called "Light and Shadow."


A new "Hello from the Cabin" (number 8 believe it or not) caused me to want to write a note about the strange segue at the end. I go from talking about taking a year off from “outside help” to talking about reading Melody Beattie on codependency. There was a reason that Melody followed on the “year off” idea that I didn’t say! In talking of care giving, she said that if you’ve been a caregiver for a while you might want to take a year off from giving. That idea felt really good to me and that’s the connection that I didn’t make as I ended the video.

It’s a connection I’m finding hard to make in life too!

Honestly, you could say my whole problem in my family boils down to an inability to say no.

People ask me, “What are you afraid of?” I don’t feel that I’m afraid of anything. Then I might say I don’t want to disappoint the person asking, so I guess you could say I’m afraid of disappointing. I’ve been a mother since I was 18 and meted out a lot of disappointment in those years. I never liked it. It always seemed like life was disappointing enough. Your kid waits all year for the field trip to Valley Fair and then it rains. Or they don’t get invited to the birthday party. Or they’re not as pretty or smart as they’d like to be. Whatever!

But it's more than that because sometimes I really want to say no, and I don't care if my "no" disappoints anyone, and I still don't say it. I guess it’s become such a habit to say “yes” that I’m challenged to break it. You think such things should be easy and can really get to worrying over your psychological health when they aren't.

But a few days ago I told Mia I’d rather not host the party and she invited me to the bar with her and her girlfriends, so I’m getting somewhere slowly, and even giving my adult "kids" a little more room to be understanding. Whew! That feels good.