Some damn thing

I’m worried about my computer and the sun is rising. I woke up early, reached for my cell phone to check the time, and discovered it wasn’t there. I didn’t want its alarm going off elsewhere and waking everyone, so I figured I’d better get up right away. I was still tired, but once up, I felt I might as well come out in full dark, which I’d swear it was at 4:45, and besides that, I had to check to see if Simeon was out here, since he wasn’t in bed and didn’t follow Max and Sam to the door.

About the time I first walked out the sky was my favorite brilliant backlit blue, and then I got to the cabin and realized Simmy wasn’t there either. So I’m worried about Simmy and worried about the computer, when for the first time in a pretty long time, I’m seeing the dark give way to light. Since the pre-dawn blue faded, the ground got darker and the sky lighter and the view over the fence golden. I’m probably going to get in on a spectacular sunrise by accident.

Yesterday, Donny had guys over rather unexpectedly. He'd forgotten about his birthday dinner – just us and his mom – and I’m not sure what happened, but somewhere between leaving home pretty upbeat about 4 and coming back at 6:30, he got crabby, or he got crabby once he got here with having to drag his gyros machine up, or with the rushing, and so all evening, he was either distracted, or later, out at table with the guys, (where you got no feel he wanted the rest of us to be).

Katie didn’t get here until late and maybe that figured in. My 5:30 phone call didn’t wake her; my 6:30 phone call did. She told me later that she wondered, ‘Who is calling me at 6:30 in the morning?”

We didn’t sit down to eat inside until 7:30 and afterwards she wanted to go out by Donny, and I wanted to bring the cake out for grandpa to blow candles with Henry before he went to bed. It was after 8:30 and I felt as if we were interrupting the conversation, and I think Katie felt left out. Or maybe it was her longish walk over to the side of the house to pick grape leaves, which got her tired out but excited and planning a grape leaf picking afternoon for us today.

The evening passed, Donny and I passing at the end of the night like weary travelers at a bus depot. If he wanted birthday sex at that point he was out of luck.

So just an altogether ornery sort of night, that I don’t know if anyone was too happy or unhappy about – just one of those nights.

Why am I writing about this? When I’m out for sunrise? And the candle’s been lit in here since Mary came yesterday morning. And Simeon’s not around. And the computer is acting up. And I need to run back in for more coffee and the bathroom. Ah, hell.

Back in the house, I’m thinking, “Where could Simmy be? If he wasn’t stuck inside somewhere, he’d be at the door now that I’ve been in and out a couple of times." Which leads me to think of the garage, where thankfully, Simmy is found. He meows in his loudest voice to protest the indignity of spending the night locked in strange quarters, and I feed him and Max, and have one less worry as I head back out.

I think the thing is that, after semi-quiet days full of time and a relaxed feeling…the busy, less relaxed ones, are more jarring. I see how many things I do because it’s the way it’s been done before, or the way someone else wants them, or the way I think they want them, and I get mad at myself for putting myself through it all. Often I see that no one particularly enjoys the thing. And yet, I don’t know that I care enough to change it. Maybe some day I will. Maybe some day I’ll reach the “Okay, no more birthday parties” point. But there’ll still be the cat and the computer or some damn thing.

And the sun will still rise.